About fifteen years ago, I was at the library with my oldest daughter, Tehila. She was a toddler and I was helping her pick out books. I hadn’t been to the children’s section in a library in decades, and I quickly realized something significant had changed. As I flipped through children’s books, I noticed that nearly every single book had incorporated mental health pointers into the plot. With the exception of Peppa Pig, [the one book I believe should be publicly burned due to their ridiculous depictions of fathers as bumbling fools,] the rest of the books all shared beautiful insights around self-awareness and mental health. One book taught toddlers to recognize their unique skillsets, another taught them how to understand their emotions, another taught them how to verbalize how they feel. And I remember thinking to myself, this is amazing, look how far we’ve come as a society.
When I was a child, the kid who couldn’t sit still in class was thrown out of class. The teen who was always sad, was told to smile. The preteen who had a crying fit because she was afraid to go to school for an unexplained reason was pushed out of her parent’s car and told to deal with it. We didn’t have a clue. I was thrilled to see that a new generation would be brought up with all the lessons and insights that would make their lives so much better.
But like all good things, sometimes too much of it is not good at all.
Over the course of the following decade, we went from not diagnosing people who suffered from mental illness to every single person getting a diagnosis. On TikTok today, you will find influencers who are telling their millions of followers that they’re not sad, they’re depressed. You’re not nervous, you are dealing with anxiety. Your misbehaving child has a disobedience disorder, and the slightly awkward teen is on the never-ending spectrum of autism. I remember reading an article that claimed that Yitzchak Avinu was autistic. Maye he was, I don’t know. But if a therapist would diagnose someone after reading a mere eighteen pessukim that describe someone’s life that would be malpractice. Instead of ensuring that Yitzchak fit a very specific criteria for a diagnosis, the lazy author decided there was enough there to slap a label on a man he never met and knew almost nothing about. It was perfectly on-brand for what was going on in society. Every child who fidgets in class has ADHD, every difficult husband is a narcissist, and every teen who listens to Billy Eilish is depressed.
Then it got even worse, and this, I believe, is the real problem. Decades ago, mental health professionals created the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. The DSM is the mental health ‘bible’ that gives a diagnostic criterion to help a clinician decide what their patient is experiencing. The objective of a diagnosis is not to label the individual but to help guide them to a treatment plan. Bit instead, we decided that a diagnosis is a label and a sentence. She’s an addict? Run for the hills. He’s a narcissist? There is nothing to do about it. This child is anxious? Let them skip school for the rest of their lives. We forgot that the purpose of a diagnosis was to guide them to living full and meaningful lives. We entered this new era of mental health awareness, and it was great, but ladies and gentlemen, we quickly lost the plot.
When I was looking into getting a degree in counseling, I remember hearing some rabbis say that the field of psychology is inconsistent with our Torah values. What they were referring to was Freud who was obsessed with sexuality. What they didn’t know was that the only time Freud is brought up in a modern classroom is to laugh at him because his theories have been (almost) entirely rejected. But now, I think those rabbis may have been on to something. Psychology, not when its used appropriately, but in its pop form of loose diagnoses and labels that limit, is entirely inconsistent with our Torah values.
Take the first sinner in the Torah – Kayin. He would serve as a great case study of mental illness. If I were a TikTok influencer, I would diagnose him with Intermittent Explosive Disorder – his reaction to jealousy was off was the charts. I would then diagnose him with Depression and Anger Attacks – he was shamed and reacted violently. And of course, I would diagnose him with our favorite diagnosis, Narcissism – he raged uncontrollably when he felt inferior.
Let’s say my diagnoses are correct. Undoubtedly, he was a very troubled man, he killed his brother out of jealousy. But you know what G-d says to this person who our modern society would so quickly write off? Im teitiv se’et – if you choose to do good, you can. Because YOU. CAN. CHANGE. That is the subplot to all of Judaism. We are not born perfect, “b’avon cho’lolti,” but we can change. Yes, Kayin may have all those diagnoses and they’re not going away, you don’t graduate out of a diagnosis. Im teitiv se’et means if you take responsibility, if you work tirelessly with the right tools, you can still live an incredibly good life.
That is the premise of the entire Yosef story. The million-dollar question throughout the entire episode is why does Yosef not let his father know that he is alive? Why doesn’t he just send a letter home letting Yaakov know he’s alive and well? Why does he play this insane charade? Why doesn’t he just say, “Hey guys, it’s me.”
The Ramban suggests that Yosef is intent on fulfilling his dreams and until his family comes to Egypt and bows to him submissively, his prophetic dreams will remain unfulfilled. Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch answers this question in an entirely different fashion. He suggests that Yosef did not want to just reunite with his family. He wanted to have a relationship with his family. The only way to do so would be to demonstrate to them that he had changed and for them to demonstrate to him that they had changed.
Yosef had to show his brothers that although they thought he was a power-hungry narcissist, he was able to still be benevolent and thoughtful. And although he thought they were “diagnosed” with Envy-Driven Aggression with Partial Inhibition (yes, that’s a real diagnosis), they were able to overcome their envy and aggression and put their lives on the line for their brother, Binyamin. Only when they demonstrated their developed behavior was Yosef ready to reunite. Then, and only then, could they have a healthy relationship. It’s a beautiful explanation with a very straightforward subplot – WE. CAN. CHANGE.
Reuven may be impulsive, he is still one of the shevatim. Yosef may be a narcissist, but even a narcissist can learn how to be kind. Yaakov Avinu sure sounds like he’s depressed in this week’s parsha, but he manages to live the best years of his life in Egypt. Yehuda may have a sexual addiction, I don’t know, but he faces his demons and deals with them. Yes, it is not easy. It takes immense determination and really hard work to work through mental illness and thrive, but it is more than doable. That is the message of the Torah.
Done right, the filled of mental health is not only consistent with the Torah, it is a Divine gift – an entire field dedicated to helping us grow. Having tools to help us understand who we are is critical to personal growth, gaining insight into what we may be experiencing to assess if it is indeed diagnosable is incredibly valuable, having good therapists available to help us thrive despite our limitations is a blessing. But a diagnosis is not a life sentence. WE. CAN. CHANGE.
Jonathan, I’m sorry. This is a really intense drasha for a Bar Mitzvah Shabbos. But I think this message is actually relevant to you. Hear me out.
You are a very talented young man. You are athletic, artistic, musical, and well-liked by everyone. You are easy-going and respectful and have a very strong moral compass. You are also a text-book model of all the good things that the mental-health generation has going for it. You see, usually when I meet with parents before a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, I ask them, what is your child good at? And often the child hears for the first time as their parents rattle off their talents and qualities. But before Rebecca and Yitzy had a chance to tell me all of Jonathan’s qualities, Jonathan told me all of them by himself. THAT is self-awareness. And that’s awesome.
You inherited many of these traits from your parents and you learned so much from them. But what I want you to pay attention to, something that I admire in your parents, is their ability to change, to grow, to not be held back by life circumstances. The past few years have been challenging for your family. Your parents would be justified if they curled up in a ball. Our society may even celebrate them for doing so. But your parents don’t stop. They have changed, they have overcome, and they have evolved. And that is even more awesome.
You’ve been blessed with so much natural goodness that you’ve been able to coast through life, and that is a real blessing. But there will be a point and likely many points where you will have a choice, do I continue coasting or do I break out of my old shell and recreate myself? I hope you look to your mother and father for inspiration.
I haven’t been to a library in a very long time. I’m not loving the messages that too many books in our society are selling us. But we have this amazing book, it’s called the Torah. It teaches us from the first page to the last and in every Torah book that follows that we are masters of our own destiny, that nothing is set in stone, that no matter how evil we may think someone else is or how evil we think we are, that no matter what diagnosis we may indeed have, it may be true and that’s okay, but with hard work, with genuine determination, WE. CAN. CHANGE.
Jonathan, I hope and pray that you, and all of us, never lose sight of that amazing plot.