Thank you to the entire congregation for all your care and concern this past week; it is deeply appreciated. Many of you have asked me to share reflections on Rabbi Hauer’s life, which I hope to do, but not today. One of the most profound lessons the community learned this past week, not from Rabbi Hauer, but from his wife, was from her decision to not let the community know about his passing until after Simchas Torah. There is, as King Shlomo taught us, a time to mourn and a time to celebrate. This Shabbos is a time to celebrate. We have not one, not two, not three, but four people in our congregation who are celebrating their upcoming weddings. I’d like to wish a Mazel Tov to Meir Soskil and Brianna Loshin, Levi Lowenstein and Vicki Dina. Mazel Tov to Bentzion Shamberg and Itta Werdiger, and Mazel Tov to Leizer Seppa and Dani Michanie. Mazel Tov! What a joyous day indeed.
…
I think many of us take marriage as a given, which speaks to the values that many of us grew up with, but especially on a morning like this one, it’s worth highlighting how counter-cultural marriage is. As you all know, the rate of marriages has dropped significantly over the past few decades. In 1949, 79% of Americans were married. Today, approximately, the number has dropped to 47%.
I’m not a sociologist and I’m not going to claim to explain why that is. But in a world flooded with people who do not want to get married, who scorn marriage, I want to highlight some of the values that our tradition stands for that we learn from our parsha.
Value #1 – The purpose of life.
As a child, I was always bothered by the ark. There were so many ways G-d could have saved Noach and the animals. He could have sent him to some distant place away from the floodwaters. He could have told Noach to go home, lock the door behind him, and G-d would ensure he would survive. Let’s be honest, fitting the entire animal kingdom into a ship was nothing short of miraculous, and if that’s the case, why make Noach have to work so hard, feeding the animals for a full year?
There is a beautiful explanation that suggests we are mistaken when we think the purpose of the teivah filled with animals was to save the world. G-d could have done that in any way. The purpose of placing all the animals in this ark was to rebuild the world. “Olam chesed yibaneh, the world is built on kindness.” The world had become corrupt, self-centered, the mighty taking advantage of the weak. To rebuild the world, humankind had to be reminded why we are here; we are here to serve others.
Rabbi Hauer would often quote the words of Rav Chaim Volozhin who used to rebuke his son whenever he saw him focusing only on his own needs, even his own spiritual needs. He would remind him, “Man wasn’t created for himself but to serve others in any way he or she can.”
Abraham Maslow famously describes the hierarchy of human needs and placed self-actualization at the top. His theory, which deeply impacted our society, places my own needs and my own growth at the center of life. In Judaism, that is a step along the way. The highest rung of growth we can attain is not self-actualization, but self-transcendence, when we live our lives dedicated to others.
G-d placed Noach in a teyvah with all these animals so that he could care for them, give to them, live for them, and in doing so recreate what it means to be a human.
The verse that speaks of marriage, “V’hayu l’basar echad, and they will be one flesh,” means, according to the Seforno, that a husband and wife act as one, they become one unit. They live their lives for one another. Inasmuch as every human being will always have their own inner world, to be married means to go from being me to we.
This idea is not only countercultural, it’s really hard. Maybe to live this way for a while, but for a lifetime? A lifetime of giving? It’s exhausting.
Noach himself eventually ran out of steam. He couldn’t maintain this other-focused living. He eventually planted a vineyard and drowned himself in a drunken loneliness. He could no longer care for the animals and he could no longer care for his family.
Which leads us to countercultural idea #2. Judaism teaches us that commitments are more or less forever. Yes, there is a place for divorce, there is a place to cut someone off, but those situations must be so incredibly rare. Avraham, who our sages use as a foil to contrast with Noach, had a nephew, Lot, who he fought with, who he parted ways with, but when Lot needed him, Avraham was there. Dedication, commitment, family is “for keeps.”
I play a little game with my children sometimes – it’s a strange game, I know. I ask them, “What do you think will happen if you do something wrong? Like if you spill all the drinks on the floor. Do you think I will still love you?” Then I up the ante, “What if you burn the house down? Will I still love you?” And then I assure them that yes, I will love you no matter what.
In a world where people cannot talk to one another because they vote differently, in which marriages are no longer until death do us part but until we get bored, Judaism teaches us through models like Avraham, and through G-d Himself, who tells us that no matter what you do, I will love you no matter what.
Countercultural idea #3 – Who comes first?
When the Torah introduces Noach, it states, “These are the children of Noach,” and then instead of listing his children, it speaks of his good deeds. Only in the next verse does it tell us who his children were. Some see this as a praise, but I wonder if the opposite is true. Perhaps, perhaps, the Torah is subtly hinting to the fact that he placed his own accomplishments before his family. Whereas Noach is described as a Tzadik, Avraham is described as a father. Avraham Avinu. Family comes before all.
And this is something I also learned from Rabbi Hauer. He was, hands down, the busiest person I knew. Pick the biggest issues facing the Jewish People, he was at the forefront giving it his all. I would travel with him at the end of a long day, and he would be drained. At the shiva house, a rabbi asked Rebbetzin Hauer how the stress manifested itself in their home. And she said, “You’re not going to like my answer.”
“We didn’t see it,” she said. “He came home and was ecstatic to see us.” His children related that they felt like they were the most important in the world to him. And they were. I watched time and time again, as he would interrupt an important meeting to call his mother in Israel for a daily check-in. I helped him figure out his schedule, how can I be in Israel to moderate a complex issue, in Washington to testify, and yet, be there for my family. I was shocked how he would take calls from his children throughout the day even if they were calling to say hello.
I would wonder, there are weighty issues that need to be dealt with, there are people who are depending on him with global ramifications, is it really right to miss these meetings so he could be home for dinner?
And he would remind me, “There is only one person who is my wife’s husband, there is only one person who is my child’s father. Everything else could be done by other people, except to be there for my family.”
And so he put the world on hold to be a good father, to be a good son, to be a good spouse.
To all those getting married in the upcoming weeks, we wish you Mazel Tov. To all those looking to get married, we pray with you that you find your spouse. To all those who are already married, we hope and pray that we maintain and deepen our relationships. It’s not always easy, it goes against the cultural tides, but our Torah teaches us that living for others is the purpose of life, unbreakable commitment is G-dly, and that family always comes first. “Tzei min hateiva, go out of the Ark,” G-d tells us, “And go rebuild the world.”