Every year, on Simchas Torah, our shul auctions off the opportunity to choose my sermon topic for one Shabbos. It has an expiry date and honestly, most people forget. We appreciate your donation! This year it was purchased by Boaz and Sarah Edinger, and they did not forget. Boaz reached out to me and asked if this current Shabbos works. ‘No problem. What topic would you like me to discuss?’
Usually when people buy the drasha topic they choose something really out there or a really difficult topic. For example, I once had to give a sermon on superheroes and I spoke about the difference between Marvel and DC; which, by the way, is far more controversial than I imagined. Instead, Boaz asked me to do as follows 1) talk about parenting 2) using a classic question-and-answer dvar Torah style 3) incorporate the concept of nature – that was a nod to his father-in-law, and 4) incorporate a gematria – a nod to his father.
I cannot think of a more difficult ask. I really can’t.
- I’m always happy to discuss parenting one-on-one, but to make grand, sweeping statements, I’d feel a lot more comfortable discussing this topic publicly when my children are all out of the house, assuming they do not have criminal records. But now?
- I have not given a classic question and answer Dvar Torah since my Bar Mitzvah.
- I could talk about nature; that’s fine.
- As I shared with all of you a few months ago, I have a really hard time with gematriyas. I shared with you then that the gematriya, the numerical value, of Ner Tamid is L’doroseichem, which means ‘generations,’ which is so touching and appropriate. But the numerical value of Ner Tamid is also Shaar Gehenom, the gates of hell, and appropriately, Anthony Fauci.
But a deal is a deal so here we go.
By far, the most influential person in history is Avraham Avinu. It’s worth studying the way his parents influenced him to better understand how parents can and cannot affect their children. The Rambam writes that from a very young age, Avraham Avinu started contemplating the existence of G-d. Everyone around him served idols, but he was troubled. It didn’t add up. Something was amiss. He looked out at the sun, the moon, the stars, the weather patterns, he was overwhelmed by the beauty and the clear design in NATURE (!!!!), and could not believe that it just came about on its own.
(Parenthetically, according to the Abarbanel, the intent of the people who built the tower of Bavel was to prevent this from happening. In other words, where do you feel more connected to G-d? In New York City, surrounded by skyscrapers, or in Wyoming, surrounded by mountains?
When you walk through New York City, you see the greatness of man, when you walk through Wyoming, or any other beautiful natural space, you see the greatness of G-d. The evil intention of the people building the tower was to create a human-made edifice to eclipse G-d.)
Avraham, seeing the incredible world that we too often ignore, realized there must be a Creator.
Now how old was Avraham when he made this discovery?
Says the Gemara in Nedarim, the gematria of Eikev – the name of this week’s parsha and a term used in describing Avraham’s commitment to G-d – the numerical value is… 172. How old was Avraham when he died? 175. So how old was Avraham when he started serving G-d?
Bingo.
Nature. Check.
Gematriyah. Check.
The Rambam’s approach of Avraham being only three years old when he began his spiritual journey would seem to teach us that parents have no role at all, that Avraham figured it all out on his own.
But there’s more to the story.
There is nothing written explicitly in the Torah about Avraham’s childhood. We are introduced to him at the age of 75. But in a passage that most of us gloss over, the Torah tells us all about Avraham’s father, Terach. How he traveled from Ur Kasdim, his hometown, to go to Israel. The Torah actually uses identical language to the language that will be used a few verses later in describing Avraham’s journey to Israel. Why? Why does Terach travel there? The Ramban says this was done to save his son, Avraham, who was being persecuted for his religious beliefs. But the Seforno says, no. If that was the reason then all we need to know is that he left Ur Kasdim. Why do we need to know that he tried to travel to Canaan? The Seforno says something incredible. Terach tried to travel to Israel because he recognized there was something G-dly in the land.
We think of Terach as this bumbling foolish idolator. It’s not true. Avraham’s spiritual greatness didn’t emerge in a vacuum. He had a father who was deeply religious and that rubbed off on him. Terach may have been flawed; he never finished his journey to Israel, he likely taught Avraham to do things which were antithetical to the values that Avraham ultimately adopted. But it was specifically in the home of a genuine spiritual seeker that Avraham, the greatest spiritual seeker of all, begins his own journey. (Quick bonus gematriyah – If you take the numerical value of the letter added to Avraham’s name – the hey/ 5 – and add it to the name of Terach, which has the value of 608, you get 613…)
What the Torah is teaching us by highlighting Terach’s life and journey is that values are not taught; they are caught. It wasn’t the particular messages that Terach shared with Avraham; those were ignored. Terach modeled a life of spiritual pursuits, and that created the setting for Avraham’s greatness.
That is the simple meaning of the passage we read every day, from our parsha, v’limad’tem osem es b’neichem, “teach your children [Torah]” How? This is Sarah and Boaz’s question – V’dibarta bam b’shivtecha b’veisecha uv’lecht’cha badrech… By speaking about Torah when you travel, when you lie down, by immersing yourself in Torah and Judaism.
D’var Torah? Check?
Let me give you a wonderful example. My siblings are all here visiting this Shabbos. When we were growing up, our father begged us, pleaded with us, threatened us: do not go into the rabbinate. Stay away from Jewish-related work. It’s stressful, it doesn’t always pay well, you end up travelling a lot. Well guess what happened? My youngest brother is an educator for a local school here called Toras Simcha, my sister works for a Jewish Chesed organization in Toronto called One Toronto, my next brother works for Nefesh B’nefesh, another brother does not formally work in the not-for-profit sector but engages in enough Jewish-related projects on the side that it’s like he works in the Jewish world, and another brother works for Agudas Yisrael. Then there’s me.
So my parents could yell and scream that working in the Jewish world is a really bad idea. But my father and mother had incredible careers in the Jewish world and impacted thousands of people’s lives and that’s what we saw. So guess what we decided to do? Values are not taught; they are caught.
Of course, this could go in the opposite direction as well. We could tell our children how important it is for them to keep Shabbos, do Mitzvos, be a good person, but if we aren’t modeling exactly what we wnat to see in them, we are wasting our breath.
I read a story years ago which took me many years to understand. It’s a story about a couple who were expecting their first child and visited Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, asking him what they should do to be good parents. He answered, if you’re starting now, you’re too late.
I was very bothered by the story; it sounded very defeatist and uncharacteristic of Rav Shlomo Zalman.
Until I realized that what Rav Shlomo Zalman was trying to tell these parents was that if you want a child who will be kind, you need to work on your own kindness.
If you want a child who will have healthy relationships, you need to work on your relationships, with your spouse, with your parents, with your friends.
If you want a child who will be devoted to Torah and Mitzvos, you need to work on your connection to G-d. You can’t outsource their Jewish connection to sending them to Jewish schools or camps. It starts and ends at home.
Parents complain that their kids spend too much time on their phones… Before we start lecturing them, we need to check how much time we spend on our phones each week.
People wonder why their children are not interested in Judaism… How devoted are we?
Parents are bothered by the way their children are cynical, negative, lazy, loud, rude, fill in the blank. And then look in the mirror.
V’shinantem l’vanecha, the only way to teach our children is v’dibarta bam, if it’s real to us. That’s the lesson I learned from my parents, and that’s the lesson I share with you, Sara and Boaz. Sara and Boaz, whose names have the gematria of banim uvnei vanim oskim baTorah uvamitzvos, ohavei Hashem yirei Elokim…. Okay, not really. But may you and all those who are blessed with children merit to be worthy of emulation, and may we live up to the ideals that we dream of seeing in our children.