G-d’s I Do Not Care Club Rosh Hashana Day 1.

by Ner Tamid | Sep 25, 2025 | Sermons

Not a day goes by that there is not a new social media trend.  A new dance, a new prank, a new voiceover. Virtually all of them are here today and gone tomorrow. But there is one trend that seems to have an impressive amount of staying power and that is the We Do Not Care Club.

Melani Sanders started The We Do Not Care Club in May, which in the social media world is like a century ago. She was going through menopause, a difficult time in many women’s lives, and she realized that there are certain things that she simply no longer cares about. She sat in her car, turned her phone’s video to face her, and started recording: “We do not care what our hair looks like from the back, we cannot see the back.” “We do not care if we made plans yesterday. If we didn’t sleep last night, those plans are cancelled.” “We do not care if we don’t show up for the family cookout. Most of you have undiagnosed trauma that we honestly just don’t want to deal with right now.” And on and on about all the things that in this stage of life, she has no space for in her mind and just does not care about. She asked her followers to share things they no longer care about and the lists came in fast and furious.

This trend spawned endless imitations. Educators started the Teachers We Do Not Care Club in which teachers expressed their frustrations with excessive demands and unrealistic expectations in the education system by stating they “do not care” about extra decorating expenses or unnecessary professional development. We Do Not Care Clubs were created for every profession and every stage of life.

No one started a Rabbis We Do Not Care Club. But if they did it would go something like this: “We do not care that your lunch today is planned for 1 PM or if you don’t like my sermon. If you want to leave, leave.”

“We do not care if you do not like the color of my tie. I am not sure why you think this is something you should be weighing in on.”

“We do not care that you were not seated next to your best friend during services. You are not here to talk.”

The truth is all these imitations really missed the point. Melani Sanders was not just complaining. She was shining a light on all the things that do not really matter in life. When she spoke about wearing pajamas all day, because “clothes is clothes,” what she was getting at is how ridiculous it is that we spend so much money and time on clothing. When she said she does not care about people who think she has a bad attitude, she was highlighting how much energy we expend worrying about what other people think about us. The We Do Not Care Club, at its core, is a reminder of how much of our time and resources we expend on things that don’t really matter.

***

The great psychologist and writer, Irvin Yalom, begins his classic book, Love’s Executioner, with the following passage. He is describing a retreat for successful professionals:

“Imagine this scene: three to four hundred people, strangers to each other, are told to pair up and ask their partner one single question, “What do you want?” over and over and over again.

Could anything be simpler? One innocent question and its answer.

And yet, time after time, I have seen this group exercise evoke unexpectedly powerful feelings. Often, within minutes, the room rocks with emotion. Men and women—and these are by no means desperate or needy but successful, well-functioning, well-dressed people who glitter as they walk—are stirred to their depths. They call out to those who are forever lost -dead or absent parents, spouses, children, friends: “I want to see you again.” “I want your love.” “I want to know you’re proud of me.” “I want you to know I love you and how sorry I am I never told you.” “I want you back—I am so lonely.” “I want the childhood I never had.” “I want to be healthy—to be young again. I want to be loved, to be respected. I want my life to mean something. I want to accomplish something. I want to matter, to be important, to be remembered.”

So much wanting. So much longing. And so much pain, so close to the surface, only minutes deep. Destiny pain. Existence pain. Pain that is always there, whirring continuously just beneath the membrane of life.”

What do you want? What really matters?

That is the question at the core of the We Do Not Care Club and its popularity. It’s at the core of existential psychotherapy, a field of therapy that Yalom created. And it’s at the core of what we are doing here today.

Like the people in Yalom’s exercise, we fill our time, we fill our mind, we fill our lives with so much that distracts us from what we really want.

On a typical day, the average adult spends 2 hours and 24 minutes on social media. The average adult spends a little less than five hours watching television. Which when you do the math – between social media, television, eating and sleeping, you have to wonder if anyone actually works anymore.

Have we become better people because of all that time glued to our devices? More refined? More driven? More loving?

Unwinding is healthy, but at what cost?

How many times have we ignored a loved one because we were too busy scrolling? “What did you say?”

How many children feel unloved because the only time they see their parents lock eyes, it’s with their screen?

Sometimes our distractions are holy distractions.

The other day I was on the phone with a rabbi from another community helping him set up a beautiful program ensuring children of single parents have someone to sit with in shul. Does not get more important than that. Right?

Only that Miri, my five-year-old was pulling on my leg. She was trying to build a home out of magna-tiles and they kept falling down. I kept motioning to her, one minute, one minute, one minute. I am on the phone, I mouthed to her.

Until it hit me, what’s wrong with me? I am setting up a program to ensure that children have adults in their lives, and I, one of the two most important adults in my child’s life am ignoring her?!

How many times have I been distracted with the loftiest of distractions taking me away from what and who really matters?

What do you want? What really matters?

Stephen Covey, in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, distinguishes between Proactive and Reactive People. How do you know if you are proactive or reactive? He suggests that we draw a circle of concern – what are the things that we use our emotional energy on; our family, our job, national debt, politics, the situation in Israel, the Ravens. Then draw a second circle within that circle around the things that we have some level of control over. It’s usually a much smaller circle – our family, our job, our immediate community.  For proactive people these two circles are more or less aligned. We spend time and emotions on the things we can change. Reactive people typically have a far larger circle of concern than a circle of influence. They spend endless emotional energy and time on things they cannot control.

Most of my colleagues are speaking about Israel this morning. I’m not and I feel a little guilty. It is on everyone’s mind; Gaza, Netanyahu, the hostages, the Charedi draft. These are important matters and I feel strongly about each of these topics. But can my opinion or your opinion on any of these topics change anything at all? Can we really move the needle on these issues? Maybe, for some of them, just a little, but not much. Our circle of real influence, for most us, ends at these shul walls, with family, with friends, and with our immediate community.

And so, on this holy day, instead of talking about what is important in Israel, or across this country, we’d be far more constructive if we ask ourselves, what is in my circle of influence? Because that is what really matters.

***

Rav Yehuda Amital was an incredibly accomplished man. A survivor of the Holocaust, founder of the Hesder Yeshiva movement, first Rosh Yeshiva of the elite Har Etzion yeshiva, he even established his own political party and served briefly as a minister. Exceptionally smart, ambitious, and accomplished. Despite his brilliance and the brightness of his students- or perhaps because of it, every Rosh Hashana, he would give variations of the following speech.

The Shofar, he would suggest, represents simplicity. On Rosh Hashana we do not turn to G-d with words because words, even words of prayer, can distort what we really want and who we really are. So we turn to Him with a simple sound from the depth of our hearts. With the blow of the shofar, we are trying to tap into our core; we are trying to focus on who in our life and what in our life really makes a difference.

This is the exercise of Rosh Hashana. וְכָל בָּאֵי עוֹלָם יַעַבְרוּן לְפָנֶיךָ. Every one of us, over the next hour and a half, is going to stand before G-d. All our charm, all our defense mechanisms, all our fancy clothing and witty one-liners are stripped away. He strips away our intellect, He strips away our social status. He is trying to get to the truth of who we are. And the higher the truth of something, writes Rav Kook, the simpler it is.

And all He wants to know, is what do you want? What really matters?

Is it the exotic trips around the world? Or will I focus on changing the world – or at least my immediate surroundings?

Do I really want to look good? Or will I invest my time this year into being good?

Do I want to be popular, or do I want to be kind?

Will I spend all my energy caring about the people outside my home? Or will I focus on those who depend on my love and care? Those in my small little circle of influence.

As we listen to the simple Shofar blast, let’s try to answer these simple set of questions – What do you want? What really matters?

Allow me to conclude where I began. The We Don’t Care Club. I wrote a small poem, not humorous in any way, but imagining what G-d’s I Don’t Care Club would sound like.

I do not care what shoes you wear.

I do not care which sports teams you follow.

I do not care where you went on vacation.

I do not care about the great book you borrowed.

I do not care how much you weigh.

I do not care how many friends you have.

I do not care if your house is clean.

Or if you follow the latest fads.

And you know what else I don’t care about?

I do not care if you love or hate Trump.

Nor if you’re pro-life or you’re pro-choice.

Of course, these are important,

But how much of a difference can you make with your one voice?

I do not care if you think Chareidim are enemies of the state.

You do not live in Israel; why are you wasting so much hate?

And so I beg of you –

stop expending time and energy on things you cannot change.

Your days and years are dwindling, who knows how many remain?

What I DO care about is the little circle that I placed you right inside,

A few friends, some family, community, who rely on you to provide –

A smile, understanding, forgiveness, to try to be a good Jew.

There’s nothing else I care about, and neither should you.

Cheshbon Hanefesh: A SWOT of Ner Tamid

by Ner Tamid | Sep 21, 2025 | Sermons

In 1812, a small Jewish book was published by Rabbi Menachem Mendel Levin, titled, Cheshbon Hanefesh, Spiritual Accounting. It became a classic, studied in many yeshivos and beyond, really anyone looking to develop their character and track it, would turn to this small guide. He acknowledges in his introduction that it is not an original method, and he “borrowed” it from someone else, but he does not tell us who. It turns out the man behind this method is none other than Benjamin Franklin. Though Franklin was a deist and did not believe in an all-knowing and caring G-d, he still believed in taking stock of who we are and how we are doing morally and ethically.

I’ve never read the book, but I do love its title – Spiritual Accounting. Life is so busy, so distracting, that it’s hard to stop and assess if we’ve grown or if our spiritual stock has gone down, if we’re closer to our life goals or if we’ve lost sight of them. Most of us rarely do a spiritual accounting. But G-d in His infinite kindness gave us a season for Cheshbon Hanefesh. These next weeks are a special time for introspection.

Now Cheshbon Hanefesh is exceptionally subjective and personal; one person’s growth is another person’s failure. But there is also a collective spiritual accounting that should take place every year. We should ask ourselves, as a nation, how are we doing? Which way are we trending? And it’s also important to do as a community, and that’s what I’d like to do this morning, to make a Cheshbon Hanefesh for our shul, for Ner Tamid. How are we doing? Which way are we trending?

In the corporate world, there is a simple assessment, far simpler than the one promoted by Benjamin Franklin, called a SWOT. You review the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats – SWOT.

So let’s start with STRENGTHS: One of the greatest strengths of our shul is its friendliness and warmth; people come here and feel seen, feel accepted, and that is precious. It’s one of the things that makes our shul so attractive. However, and here we venture into WEAKNESS territory, as the shul grows, as there are more and more people here on a Shabbos morning, it gets harder to say hello to every new person.

As you can see on the front of our bulletin, 35 membership units joined this year. Half of those units are families, half of those units are singles. Half of those units are older than 40, the other half are younger. I would describe that as exceptional growth. Baruch Hashem! And yet, I was just speaking to someone who told me he came to the shul twice in the past two months and I totally missed him. I don’t think I’m the only one. We are all missing people every Shabbos who are new to the shul or almost new to the shul. If what attracted us to this shul was its warmth, if what makes us proud of our shul is the friendliness, then we really need to strengthen our great strength.

I was just speaking to a colleague who was commenting on how important kiddush is. We have such limited human interaction these days and kiddush is the few minutes every week that people have a chance to just shmooze. It makes so much sense that we want to get together with our friends and catch up. But can we take two minutes every Shabbos before we join our friends to look around and say hello to a stranger?

Being a diverse, welcoming, caring, come-as-you-are shul is so rare these days. We have something so precious going on for us. We can also do better. And so I asked Jeff to order many more red cups. If you are new to the shul, and for this Shabbos only, if you joined the shul anytime in the past year, please pick up a red cup. And everyone else, you know what to do. Let’s find those red cups and give our new friends a proper Ner Tamid welcome.

Le’s now move on to our Weaknesses.

Two years ago, if you were to ask me what a weakness of the shul is, I would say, Torah learning. There was not too much of it going on, it was just not our strength. The past two years have been mind-blowing. The amount of men, women, and teens, learning in our shul daily is off the charts. Show of hands, who learned more these past two years than they have over the past decade?

Each of you have elevated the shul immeasurably; the collective knowledge base of the shul – the questions I’ve been getting the past two years have really made me sweat! (I never learned Zevachim! Stop asking me questions on the daf!) The model for the children watching adults study. It is nothing short of a spiritual revolution in these walls. Torah learning is no longer a weakness; it is a strength!

But there is a weakness I do want to focus on. Last year, on Rosh Hashana, I spoke about prayer. I put my heart and soul into writing a sermon on the topic. The takeaway was, we are going to work on prayer as a community; louder davening and more heartfelt prayer. I even committed to writing a weekly piece on prayer. I stopped a few weeks in and you know how many people reached out to tell me they missed it? Zero. That’s not your fault, that is my fault. The entire initiative flopped.

More people come to services but that’s not what I was focusing on. The energy level, the participation, the sense of connection to the tefilos does not feel very different than it was last year.

I’ve been wondering why. Why when we encouraged people to learn Torah, which takes a lot of brainpower and time, so many people jumped in, and when it came to increasing the energy for davening – which you’re here for anyway! it fizzled.

Recently someone told me about a fascinating book called, “Change or Die”. The book opens with the example of individuals suffering from serious and terminal diseases that had been brought on by lifestyle choices that they can still change – but they don’t. Their doctors tell them, “If you want to stop the course of your heart disease before it kills you, then you have to stop smoking, stop drinking, stop overeating, start exercising, and relieve your stress.” But very few do. Even two years after bypass surgery, 90% of the patients have not changed the lifestyle that brought on the disease. Facts, fear, and even force do not get people to implement lasting change.

There is one thing that works. If they join a group committed to the same goal they succeed.

That’s the magic sauce. Joining a group of people committed to the same goal.

There is a delightful and sometimes annoying WhatsApp chat for our shul in which people post when they learn. For example, on Thursday, Gabe Lewin, David Maine, Marc Berman, Bruce Blumenthal, Ilene Heneson, Howard Elbaum, and Gavi Deppin posted that they learned a page of Zevachim for Daf Yomi, Ken and Susan Besser posted they learned the Daf, Nach Yomi, and Live the Blessing, Tova Friedman, Max Shapiro, and Adina B, posted that they did Amud Yomi. People like Sandra Burstyn, Adam Plunka, Joel Carter, and Tamar Frydman always make the rest of feel like we could do better as they list DY, AY, MY, NY, and LTB. There are more people, but you get it.

The point is that we are working together as a group, we are part of something, and as all the research indicates, when you do something together, your chances of success are so much higher.

So allow me to do public teshuva. I tried to enhance the davening of our shul last year and I fell short. Let me try again and present to you an opportunity of a lifetime.

To pray with real intention is not easy. They say a story about the Baal Shem Tov, the founder of the Chassidic movement, how his followers once approached him. There was a new rabbi that everyone was talking about, they said he was a miracle worker who had solutions for everything. They asked the Baal Shem Tov how to test him to see if he was legit. The Baal Shem Tov said, “Ask him for a method to have perfect kavannah, perfect intention during prayer. If he says he has a method, he’s a fraud. There is no such thing.”

It’s hard but we often make a mistake and think that if we can’t focus, if we don’t understand all the words, or don’t know when to stand or bow, or we do but we have a hard time concentrating, then davening is not for us. That is false.

Prayer is described as avodah she’b’lev, it is the service of the heart, and every one of us have a heart. The highest level of prayer is to pour our hearts out to G-d, with sincerity. We all have the capacity. What we need are reminders to nudge us along. What we really need is a community of people doing the same thing.

So here’s the opportunity. With a big thank you to Ari Weiss, the new book that we are going to be studying as a shul is not about Lashon Hara or about making peace. It is about prayer. Some pieces will speak to you, others won’t. It doesn’t matter! The main thing is that it will give you a little nudge. The books are free and the new cycle starts Rosh Hashana. And then, after Shabbos, I beg of you, join our whatsapp chat and post when you learn. Because when we do this together, it will work.

To round out our analysis, I am supposed to share a threat. But there is none. The Medrash (Shir Hashirim) records G-d as saying to us, “P’sach li p’sach shel machat, open a small tiny hole in your heart, the size of a needle, ve’Ani potei’ach lachem petachim shetiheyu agalot nichnasot bo,” and I will rip your harts so wide open that wagons can travel through them.” There is nothing standing before us; we just need to take one small step in the right direction. G-d will do the rest.

We have what it takes. The proof is Neilah; when everyone sings along and davens so beautifully. We don’t have to wait until then. Whether you have a great voice or not, sing with the chazzan! It lifts us all up! Imagine if already on Rosh Hashana, everyone is really singing along. How powerful would that be!

The truth is, we don’t have to wait until then – let’s open that heart of ours just a tiny little crack right now…

Life is Like a Game of Roblox Parshas Eikev

by Ner Tamid | Aug 17, 2025 | Sermons

I am so happy there is a Bar Mitzvah this week. You see, my job is to talk about the important things going on in the world. And if there was no Bar Mitzvah, my job would be talk about a whole bunch of depressing developments in the US and in Israel. Important topics but depressing. But since it’s a Bar Mitzvah, I get to talk about what’s important to 13-year-olds. And the most important thing for most kids between the ages of 7 and 13 is… Roblox.

Yes, that’s right. Roblox is the most popular video game for kids in that age bracket. While those of us who are blessed with children were rolling our eyes that our kids were wasting so much time on this app, what I should have done is pay attention to the fact that they loved it so much and invested in Roblox stock. In the past year alone, stock of Roblox had an increase of 250% and is now valued at 89.23 billion dollars.

Gabe, our Bar Mitzvah, is a huge fan of Roblox. Despite the fact that you swim, you sew, you draw, you have a great memory, you’re good at math, and you love to read, and despite all these talents and interests, you spend a lot of time playing Roblox. You, and 280 million other monthly users. Why?

So I spent my Friday morning doing a deep dive into Roblox. When your child asks you what rabbis do all day, you tell them, they spend their day reading about video games. And I concluded (with apologies to Forrest Gump,) that life, Jewish spiritual life, is like the game of Roblox.

How so?

Gabe happens to be a tech whiz who plans on being a hacker for the NSA. Gabe could probably write code to create anything he wants. Most of us regular people don’t have a clue how to create things using computer code. One of the things that makes Roblox so popular is something called Roblox Creator. Roblox creator allows people like me and you to make Roblox games.

There is a big debate as to what happens when we do Mitzvos, when we do good deeds. The rationalists suggest that the objective of Mitzvos is to transform our character. You do a good deed, you become a better person. But the Kabbalists believe that when we do a good deed, we are actually creating spiritual worlds. What they are saying is that there is a code being written every time we perform a good deed and that code is creating incredible things.

For example, we are all right now studying Torah. The rationalists will say that the outcome of our studying is that we become more knowledgeable and therefore more refined. However, the Kabbalists will tell you that behind the scenes there is code driving the entire universe, kind of like the Matrix, and when we learn Torah or do any Mitzvah, we are tapping into that code, rewriting that code, and refining the entire world. When we learn Torah over here in Baltimore that could be bringing more peace to Sudan. When we do a Mitzvah, it could impact the course of history.

Being Bar Mitzvah means that you are now a Spiritual Creator. Now, every time you say a blessing, every time you are kind – and that’s often, you are not just changing yourself, you are literally changing the world.

That’s one way that life is like the game of Roblox. But there’s more.

I used to assume Roblox was a single game, it’s not. I learned this the hard way. I was trying to be cool and told a teenager that one of my children likes Roblox, and the teenager asked, “Which game?” I said, Roblox. He asked, “Which game?” I again, said, Roblox. I subsequently learned there are 40 million games on Roblox and counting. When a child goes on the Roblox app, the opportunities before him or her are endless. And in some respects, this is a perfect metaphor for teenage hood. As we get older, the options open to us become fewer and fewer. But when we are young, the options are almost endless.

The Ramban in Parshas Bamidbar observes that when the Jewish People were counted, they were not allowed to count those who were from the ages of 13-20. And he explains that this is because there is a blessing given to Avraham that his children will be infinite. What he is saying is that the blessing of infinity, of endless possibilities, is specifically open to us during these precious teenage years.

Life is like a game of Roblox.

But there is a dark side to this analogy. And that is that Roblox is also a dangerous place to spend time. There are bad games, games meant to corrupt the minds of our youth, and there are also bad characters, horrible people looking to do bad things.

In Roblox, and really with all technology, our parents should take advantage of parental controls. It may be annoying to the child, but it is undoubtedly in the best interest of the child. In life, we have the 365 prohibitions of the Torah given to us by G-d. Following those restrictions can sometimes feel constricting but without a doubt, Hashem, our loving Father, gave them to us to protect our society and protect our soul. Those restrictions are in our best interest.

But here is where the analogy falls short. There is one flaw with Roblox. I believe this flaw is actually what makes it so attractive, and it’s also what makes it such a terrible metaphor for life. You see, Roblox is easy. Watch someone play Fortnite and then watch someone play Roblox. Fortnite guy is at the edge of his or her seat. Their face is scrunched up and they’re sweating. If they’re talking to a friend while they play they are yelling. This is how people play Roblox – lying back on their bed, casually chatting to a friend, Roblox is a chill.

And maybe that’s okay for a young and innocent child; life should not have to be so complicated. But as we get older, as we become a teen, life will inevitably get hard, and sometimes more than hard.

Those who believe in G-d, especially a loving and good G-d, are faced with a question. If G-d loves me so much, why does He make it so hard? To make matters worse, in the Torah portion we read today, G-d highlights the fact that He makes our life difficult. G-d describes in glowing terms how He made us live in a treacherous desert. Is that a good thing?!

This question comes up in so many parts of life. Every Passover we thank G-d for taking us out of Egypt. But don’t we also believe that G-d placed us in Egypt?! The same question can be asked about thanking G-d for healing us. Didn’t He also give us the illness in the first place?!

One way of addressing this question is as follows (Rabbi Leff): If someone were to walk over to you and break your legs. Then, they would pay all your doctor bills and visit you in the hospital. Would you be thankful to them? No, you’d think they were crazy.

But let’s say, a doctor walks up to you and notices that you have some form of disease and the only way to heal this disease is for your legs to be broken. Then they break your legs, they pay your bills and visit you in the hospital. And now when you are done at the hospital you are healthier than ever. Of course you would thank them.

G-d says in our parsha, “V’yadata im l’vavecha, and you should know in your heart, ki kaasher y’yaser ish es b’no Hashem Elokecha m’yas’reka, like a parent disciplines their child, that is why I put you through hardship.” (Devarim, 8:5) A loving parent pushes their child, not out of anger, out of love, out of a deep recognition of the child’s potential. But the only way to attain that potential is through a struggle.

This is why we thank G-d for taking us out of Egypt. It wasn’t a punishment. It was G-d’s way of pushing us to get to the core of who we were. And we thank G-d for healing us because we believe that maybe just maybe that illness was somehow given to us to push us to a higher level.

When your mom pushed you to lein, Gabe, it wasn’t easy, but she did it because she believed in you. When your mom pushed you to change schools for next year, Gabe, it won’t be as easy as this past year, but it’s being done because you have potential that is waiting to be unlocked.

The popularity of Roblox is a sad commentary on society; a society obsessed with comfort and an aversion to any friction. A few years ago, the New York Times published an article titled, the Age of Anti-Ambition. Life as a game of Roblox, life as a big comfortable, cozy chill is a travesty. Because that means we’re losing out on so much of our G-d-given potential.

Life IS a game of Roblox in that our good deeds are writing code that is changing the world in ways we cannot even imagine. Life IS a game of Roblox in that the options before us are endless, especially in our teenage years. Life IS a game of Roblox in that there are dangers, and restrictions are there for our benefit. But life is NOT like a game of Roblox in that life can be challenging, and that’s a good thing. Some of the great difficulties we deal with in life is G-d, our loving parent, helping us actualize our potential.

Gabe, you’ve already learned this important lesson, you and your parents have a lot to be proud of. But now that you’re Bar Mitzvah, the game, the real game, has just begun.

Tisha B’av Jews, Nachamu Jews, and How to Make a Shiva Call Parshas Va’eschanan

by Ner Tamid | Aug 10, 2025 | Sermons

A very, very, very long time ago, when I was growing up, there was virtually no funny Jewish video content being produced. It’s hard to believe but there was a time before Reggie_Torahshorts and Dovi Neuburger were producing daily content. There were a few, very few, exceptions – some Jews who were a little ahead of their time – who made videos like, Stuff People say on Pesach (I still watch this video every year before Pesach, and it still cracks me up). The other prehistoric video content from that era was Shtick People say at Shiva Houses. The genius of these videos is that for the most part, they were just saying things people say on Pesach or at Shiva homes. They weren’t making jokes, they were just highlighting how insane we sound, and when it comes to shiva houses, how tactless people can be.

People ask things like, “So… how did he die?” Or “Stop crying, she’s with her husband now.” Or “I think the chair you’re sitting on might be a little too high. Should we measure it?”

Let’s be honest, shiva houses can be quite awkward. What do I say? What do I say? What do I say? “Uh, I love the wallpaper!”

And because they’re so awkward, people tend to do one of two things, they don’t show up at shiva houses, or they speak about weather, world news, pickleball, anything except the deceased.

There are two Shiva house halachos that are worth reviewing. One, we wait for the mourner to speak first. And what if they don’t speak? That’s. Okay. We just sit there.

The other rule is that we are supposed to speak about the deceased; about their accomplishments, about what they did in their lives, about their legacy.

Both these halachos are encapsulated in the term we use for visiting a mourner – Nichum Aveilim. It’s translated as comforting the mourner, but what this term Nichum really means, explains Rav Samson Raphael Hirsh, is to shift one’s attention, to turn. And that’s because what we are doing when we visit the broken and lonely mourner is we are trying to shift their attention. Not to distract them with small talk and jokes. Not to remove the pain, there is no way to do so. Rather, they are feeling utterly alone, and by being there, even if we do not say anything, we are conveying to the mourner that they are not entirely alone, that there are people in the community who are with them. We say yes, you’re in pain, you’re alone, AND we are here with you.

They feel like their loved one is gone forever, and by reflecting on the deceased’s life, we remind them that their loved one also left behind a rich legacy that can be perpetuated by all who knew them. We say yes, they are gone, AND they accomplished so much.

We don’t need to be afraid of a shiva house. It’s cliché but I know from all the many mourners here that it is true – the greatest present is your presence. And you don’t need to be a great conversationalist to make a shiva call. “Tell me about your loved one.” And then sit back and listen.

Nechama, comfort, does not take place by ignoring pain. It comes about through a shift in perspective.

The reason I bring this up is, well, it’s critical that we visit people who are visiting shiva and we ensure that the visits are meaningful. But also, because this Shabbos is known as Shabbos Nachamu. It’s that same word – comfort, but also to shift perspectives. A week ago, we sat on the floor and mourned all the losses we experienced over two thousand years; the Batei Mikdash, the terror, the inquisitions, the Holocaust. And today, a mere six days later, we are supposed to celebrate. Shabbos Nachamu is supposed to be a joyous day. In our Haftorah, Yeshaya soothingly proclaims, “Nachamu, nachamu, ami! Be comforted, my people!”

How can we be comforted? The Bais HaMikdash is still unbuilt, the Jewish People are still not unified, there are still hostages in Gaza. Comfort? Really?

And the answer is yes. The sad realities have not changed, but G-d is asking us to now shift our gaze as He tells us, “I will one day redeem you. I may seem so distant, but I have not forgotten you.” On this Shabbos, G-d is performing Nichum Aveilim to us; He’s reminding us to not despair, to choose to look at the survival of the Jewish People and not the sacrifices, to choose to see how much we’ve progressed as a people and not how far we still have to go, to choose to see the fulfillment of so many positive prophecies even though some have yet to come true.

And this is not a one-day exercise, it takes place every day. Because there are two types of Jews in the world; Tisha B’av Jews and there are Nachamu Jews.

Tisha B’av Jews are always focused on what’s broken, on what’s missing, on all the things that have not gone their way.

Nachamu Jews are not those slightly-annoying-everything-is-awesome-let’s put-on-a-fake-smile-type of person. No. Nachamu Jews do not pretend that every story has a happy ending, or that the Jewish People are perfect, or that their spouse or children have no flaws. No.

Nachamu Jews say, yes, there are issues AND I chose to focus on what is good, on what is beautiful, on what I have. I could complain, it’s easy to complain, criticism is far more clickable than compliments, but I chose to focus on the good.

In our kitchen, we have a magnet on our fridge. Literally, one magnet. Some people deck their fridge in tens of magnets and pictures and notes, but we are minimalists (some may call it a neurosis) and the front of our fridge has nothing except one magnet. On the magnet it says, “Liftoach mikarer, zeh olam um’lo’o, to open a refrigerator, it’s the whole world.”

These words were uttered by Eli Sharabi, a husband and father of two daughters, who was kidnapped from Be’eri on October 7^th. He spent almost 500 days in captivity. When he returned, he looked like he had just been liberated from Auschwitz. He spent most of his time in captivity chained by his leg. He ate almost nothing and lost 66 pounds, or 40% of his body weight while in captivity.

As bad as that was, nothing prepared him for the devastating news that he learned when he was released. Shortly after exiting Gaza, he was informed that his wife and two daughters were murdered by Hamas on October 7^th.

This man lived through a modern-day Tisha B’av and yet, he was and is a Nachamu Jew.

When asked about learning the horrific news about his family, he said he was grateful for the 18 years that he had with his beloved wife, Lianne. When asked about the starvation, he said, yes, it was horrific, and now I open my fridge ad it’s filled with food, “Liftoach mikarer, zeh olam um’lo’o, to open a refrigerator, it’s the whole world.”

The Bais Hamikdash is still destroyed, our family members get on our nerves or worse, our friends don’t always support like us they should, and G-d feels like He is ignoring us.

Those are all 100% true.

And yet, we can decide to be a Nachamu Jew, not only this Shabbos, but every day.

To choose to look at the positive trends in Jewish history and say I am so proud to be a Jew.

To choose to see the incredible qualities that our family members possess and embrace them.

To choose to see G-d in our every waking breath.

To be a Tisha B’av Jew or a Nachamu Jew, the choice is ours.

The Perils of Power, The Need for Justice Shabbos Chazon

by Ner Tamid | Aug 3, 2025 | Sermons